I really really dislike writing blog posts or posting anything at all anywhere on this subject matter. I hate broadcasting this portion of my life to the world. I'm starting to type this post and I'm not sure I will even post it. I might just keep it among the drafts, but I need to work through what I am feeling and currently, there seems no better way. My friend has been giving me some advice in a situation where I feel unsure about what God is telling me or asking me to do. It seems the only answer that I get from God is, "you're not listening to me" or "I already told you, and still, you're not listening to me." My friend tells me that in this situation, I should embrace what I am feeling- a feeling of very much being uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in not knowing what is going to happen, uncomfortable in fearing the worst, uncomfortable in accepting that my fears could actually be true. Just embrace what that feels like for a bit, and I will begin to see that my over analyzing thoughts are just that- irrational and overthought. And I do begin to see the irrationality of my thinking, but I guess I am so frustrated because this has slowly evolved into a situation that I can literally do nothing about. I hate relinquishing control. But really, I think I'm just coming to realize that I never had it. Not here anyway. And I search and search for something that I can control until I have warped and manipulated the only thing I could: myself. Why is it so hard to just be myself? Just be? I always think that I'm being me, but I look back and I never am. If I feel like I should try to be someone's friend, I will make myself outgoing or try to impress them. I can't just be me. I feel like "me" won't get noticed because I am too quiet, and I fade into the background. Noone wants a part of that. This is especially awful when the person you were trying to befriend and "impress" turns out to have so much in common with the real you. Now how do you redeem that situation??
But I have noticed a theme here. It's always about me. Never about the other person or others. So I find myself so worried and analyzing and focused on me that I can't actually relax and be me and let God handle the rest. I want to show God I have faith, I don't want to disappoint him. Faith without deeds is dead afterall, and I refuse to be a part of that. I also refuse to live my life "waiting" and then look back and question God, asking why did things turn out this way, only to have him reply because you didn't do anything to make it otherwise. Waiting is too "easy." You didn't do your part. You didn't act.
So I ask, what's a girl to do? I want so badly to just be myself and leave the rest to God. I want so badly to believe my fears are irrational. And I want so badly to believe that God will handle what I can't, that he will take over, that he will cover my messes and my misses and my lack of trying and lack of action. Simply, my lack of not at all knowing what to do.
God, I am trying to hear what I am apparently still not hearing. I am trying to listen. What should I do? And can you help me to just be me?