God Always Shows Himself Faithful

After about 3 hours of sleep last night and 4 the night before, I am feeling a little bit scattered and unable to focus this early Saturday morning. I can't complain that I only had that amount of sleep each time because I really needed to be awake for other things when I was. Thursday I spent the day in prayer because of something going on right now in my life, and because of this something, I have been unable to focus completely on other tasks that I need to get done- answering emails, calling people back, etc (things that are normally difficult for me to get done anyway because I get so distracted and such and doing ten other things that I always forget... Let's call that a symptom of a creative mind, ok? Makes me feel better at least :) ....) All of this to say, I have been spending a lot of time in prayer lately because of a mountain that I simply cannot climb, period. This is something that only God can accomplish. But this morning, I am once again just in awe of how God has been setting things up for the last few months so that when I came to this place of need, I would be able to hear his voice. I would know that he is speaking and I would know what he is saying. I have come across so many things that really only made a "fuzzy" amount of sense at the time that I wrote them down, phrases and pages after pages of very specific scripture. At the time I wrote them, like I said, the words made some sense to the current situation, but more often than not, I would sit and be like, "really, God? How does that actually help. Like, ok, I get that. But what about this? What about what I am actually upset/concerned/worried over/requesting a word for now?" But so much makes sense now.... So much.

I have come across another set of such pages that I wrote to myself a time back. I mean, somehow they fit that situation back then, but boy are their purpose crystal clear now. It is overwhelming how much more cohesive as a specific message they are now. Here are some of the things that I wrote down, they bless me infinitely this morning:

On February 5 of this year, I wrote-

From Proverbs,
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge (submit) to him,
   and he will make your paths straight. 3:5&6

Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
   and your plans will succeed.
The LORD works out everything for his own ends. 16:3,4a

 In his heart a man plans his course,
   but the LORD determines his steps.16:9

The lot is cast in the lap,
    but its every decision is from the LORD. 16:33

Many are the plans in a man's heart,
    but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. 19:21

An inheritance quickly gained at the beginning
    will not be blessed at the end. 20:21

...Wait for the LORD
    and He will deliver you. 20:22b

A man's steps are directed by the LORD.
    How then can anyone understand his own way? 20:24

(These are some words that I copied from a sticky note stuck on a page in Proverbs next to the 20:22b verse, the words are from a sermon that I heard through BOTT online back in my first year of college. I listened to this particular preacher everyday- it was one of my places of solace during that time)

What you see as a delay, God permitted for his purpose. God is setting things up. Your destiny is not in people's hands. Focus on the will of God.

You have to stay focused on God until God is ready for you.

Quit trying to come up with your own timeline, thinking things are late. God moves when he wants to move.

Look at what can happen if you turn it over to God and quit washing your nets (reference is to Luke 5). Get ready for your nets to break because of your obedience and humility.

God makes you go through changes so he can show you his power, how magnificent he is- it's not about us.

At the point of futility, you empty of yourself and your own significance and you surrender to God's will.

"For we live by believing and not by seeing." II Cor. 5:7

With You There is Forgiveness

I was reading through some of the Psalms the other day, and I came across Psalm 130. I guess I've either never read this Psalm or God allowed me to gain something new from this reading. If you've read many of my previous blog posts, you know to some extent how I struggle when thinking about/understanding fearing God or the Holy fear of God as it relates to guilt, shame, fear of punishment, etc. I've been reading a lot lately about not being a lukewarm Christian and trying to do exactly what Jesus commands in the gospels. And I know so many, if not most areas of my life, I am quite guilty of being that lukewarm Christian. The motivation, though, to change my actions should be love, not fear of punishment for disobedience. But oftentimes, fear of hell will completely outweigh any feeble attempt at radically loving God that I could possibly have. Yet we are told that God is love, we are saved by grace, none of us is perfect- all falling short of the glory of God, and the sacrifice of Jesus continuously washes us clean from all sin. Where sin increases, grace increases all the more (but by no means is this reason to continue to sin, "we died to sin; how can we live it in any longer?"). And standing right next to words of grace and love and forgiveness are commands to fear God; fear God and keep his commands. Not that I have issue with this, but it is the motivation of obeying God, of keeping his commands that will determine how we live as effective or ineffective Christians."These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is based on merely human rules they have been taught." I have to confess, I want to love God so radically that I will want to do some of the hard things he commands. Afterall, "Faith without deeds is dead." But I am slowly beginning to understand that it is God that will have to create this powerful radical love within me. It's not something I can discipline myself to do, because then it really comes back to just doing something else out of fear.
BUT, back to the verse I mentioned earlier, I always find that my mind gives fear the connotation of punishment, shame, guilt, etc. And I try so hard to understand the Holy fear of God, and how this can not just relate to, but be an attribute of a God that is love. I came across Psalm 130, and while I do not by any means claim to understand this verse or its meaning completely, I do feel like God is trying to help my heart understand, and not "fear" in the sense that I normally do.

³ If you, LORD, kept a record of sins,
   O Lord, who could stand?
⁴ But with you there is forgiveness,
   therefore you are feared. 

I just find it so interesting that the NIV translates verse 4 in this way. It almost seems to be saying because God offers forgiveness, he is to be feared and we can look upon him with reverence. I won't offer any great explanation or literary criticism or whatever Bible scholars call it (exegesis?) but I suppose that in my mind, the reason to fear God was always because he would punish.... And this seems to turn my understanding upside down. Fear God because he offers forgiveness? For me this offers so much hope and encouragement. I hope you will join me in thinking about and meditating on this verse, praying for a better understanding. Opinions and explanations are definitely most welcome here.