Words That I Am Living By Right Now

So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Day 18 A Photo of My Favorite Memory

I have so many good ones.... But  I think the memories of staying at my Memaw and Papaw's house in Somerville is one of my favorites. Basically we could do anything we wanted and we just played. We didn't sit around and watch TV (except The Price is Right!... Oh Bob Barker how I miss you).

I just remember my imagination being so vivid then. And if it makes any sense at all, I feel like God spoke to me there through nature.... it was like where God first began revealing himself to me, calling to me, wooing me, if you will. I've heard of other people that have had similar memories as children where God really called to them and spoke to them for the first times through nature. I just feel like so much of who I am and my personality comes from these days.

With You There is Forgiveness

I was reading through some of the Psalms the other day, and I came across Psalm 130. I guess I've either never read this Psalm or God allowed me to gain something new from this reading. If you've read many of my previous blog posts, you know to some extent how I struggle when thinking about/understanding fearing God or the Holy fear of God as it relates to guilt, shame, fear of punishment, etc. I've been reading a lot lately about not being a lukewarm Christian and trying to do exactly what Jesus commands in the gospels. And I know so many, if not most areas of my life, I am quite guilty of being that lukewarm Christian. The motivation, though, to change my actions should be love, not fear of punishment for disobedience. But oftentimes, fear of hell will completely outweigh any feeble attempt at radically loving God that I could possibly have. Yet we are told that God is love, we are saved by grace, none of us is perfect- all falling short of the glory of God, and the sacrifice of Jesus continuously washes us clean from all sin. Where sin increases, grace increases all the more (but by no means is this reason to continue to sin, "we died to sin; how can we live it in any longer?"). And standing right next to words of grace and love and forgiveness are commands to fear God; fear God and keep his commands. Not that I have issue with this, but it is the motivation of obeying God, of keeping his commands that will determine how we live as effective or ineffective Christians."These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is based on merely human rules they have been taught." I have to confess, I want to love God so radically that I will want to do some of the hard things he commands. Afterall, "Faith without deeds is dead." But I am slowly beginning to understand that it is God that will have to create this powerful radical love within me. It's not something I can discipline myself to do, because then it really comes back to just doing something else out of fear.
BUT, back to the verse I mentioned earlier, I always find that my mind gives fear the connotation of punishment, shame, guilt, etc. And I try so hard to understand the Holy fear of God, and how this can not just relate to, but be an attribute of a God that is love. I came across Psalm 130, and while I do not by any means claim to understand this verse or its meaning completely, I do feel like God is trying to help my heart understand, and not "fear" in the sense that I normally do.

³ If you, LORD, kept a record of sins,
   O Lord, who could stand?
⁴ But with you there is forgiveness,
   therefore you are feared. 

I just find it so interesting that the NIV translates verse 4 in this way. It almost seems to be saying because God offers forgiveness, he is to be feared and we can look upon him with reverence. I won't offer any great explanation or literary criticism or whatever Bible scholars call it (exegesis?) but I suppose that in my mind, the reason to fear God was always because he would punish.... And this seems to turn my understanding upside down. Fear God because he offers forgiveness? For me this offers so much hope and encouragement. I hope you will join me in thinking about and meditating on this verse, praying for a better understanding. Opinions and explanations are definitely most welcome here.

Would you dare to believe?

I'm not really sure how to formulate all that is going through my mind this evening, but I really feel that I need to share the faithfulness of God. There is a song that Matt Maher sings- well actually 2 songs for this post - bu the first, Alive Again. In a normal context, and when this song first came out, I really felt like God used it to speak to me in a powerful way about his relentless pursuit of me. To quote the second song by Matt Maher, Your Grace is Enough- God did and continues to "wrestle with [this] sinner's restless heart." But today, in a very profound and unmistakable way, God spoke to me. And I later heard these words in this song by Matt Maher,

You called and You shouted
Broke through my deafness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
You shattered my darkness
Washed away my blindness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again  

These words became and have become so literal for me right now. For the last few months, I have been trying desperately to figure out what God wants me to do and what I should do- as far as school, a career, etc. I have chosen "realistic" career paths, one after another, along with the appropriate school options. None of which ultimately worked for me, resulting in a recurring headache. All the while, this voice inside me kept saying, Jenna, why don't you just paint. That simple. Yet even considering this path and its lack of a steady job completely floods me with worry. I like plans, and that path is too spontaneous and unreliable. But I went with it anyway, because I felt one by one God began eliminating my other options. Yet for whatever reason, I still did not feel confident in my decision. I felt so silly and ridiculous anytime someone would ask me what I'm doing now.... "Well I'm.... painting. And I'm going to go back to school to paint. So I can graduate and.... paint."
I kept begging God to please, give me some confirmation that I was actually doing what he had asked. That I was actually doing what I am supposed to be doing. That I hadn't completely missed what he had said or overanalyzed or misunderstood.

Today I went to meet with my undergrad art professors to get some advice on applying for and pursuing my MFA. And WOW. I cannot believe the depth of confirmation that I felt in my heart from God. These people think like me, have the same motivation as me, know what it feels like to tell people that your career is art. They have the same hopes and dreams for themselves and their art. They understood me. And best of all, I feel so normal around them. Around people that I have so much in common with. Around people driven to create. Around other artists. And they have such confidence that this is what I should be doing and that I will succeed- Such a compliment coming from artists like them. And I know, now more than ever, God brought me back to Memphis at just the right time, and he placed me in just the right school to finish my undergrad. Being in this art department was such a blessing to me and my art, especially when my love for and confidence in my art had been so wounded. Being around these people is such a God-thing. And today just capped it all off. I felt and feel God's calling so strongly. It was like God was saying, "Ok, if you didn't catch what I was saying before, let me make it undeniably clear. Now go. Do this." I am just so amazed at how he answered my prayer for guidance. I have no idea how I am going to get to where I am going, but I know he will see me through and see me to the end.
Honestly, left up to me, I would never have planned such a thing for myself. I still have a really hard time even considering myself a true "artist." But this God? An MFA? Wow. Great is your faithfulness, Oh God. 

Gotta stop lighting my own torches

Lately I know that the direction (or lack thereof) that my life is taking has really been on my mind, and I find myself pleading with God for guidance, for a path. Oftentimes, I feel stuck in still-nothings-happening-land where I still cannot find where I should go or what I should do. I spend half the time worrying over my current situation and the other half worrying about the future. I had been reading Beth Moore's Breaking Free the last few months, but for whatever reason, I just stopped. I picked the book back up tonight and began reading again. The two chapters I read were about God's rule in our lives being right and God's daily rule in our lives. I was really awakened to my lack of daily seeking God's presence and being diligent in seeking to obey him. Not that I go about to purposefully disobey him, but I just don't think about it. I try to figure things out for myself and then cry out to God in frustration when he doesn't seem to provide an answer. For those of you who are in a similar position as me, trying to figure out where your life is going to go and what the next step is, let alone what you should do tomorrow, I hope these words from Beth's book encourage you like they have encouraged me:

"Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness and who seek the LORD: Look to the rock from which you were cut and the quarry from which you were hewn; look to Abraham, your father, and to Sarah, who gave you birth." (Isa. 51:1-2)
If we look to the rock from which we were hewn, we can...
-believe God can do the impossible (Gen. 18:14).
-admit the futility of taking matters into our own hands (Gen. 16).
-believe God still loves and can use us even when we detour--- if we agree to return to his path (Gen. 17).
-believe God can still call us righteous based on our faith in him, even if our righteousness is like filthy rags (Gen. 15:6; Isa 64:6).
-believe that blessing ultimately follows obedience (Gen. 22:18).
Because the Lord is so compassionate, He can work wonders with the ruins, deserts, and wastelands of His children's lives.
"The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the LORD." (Isa. 51:3)
Have you felt like the waves of the sea were pounding against you and you were drowning in a relentless tide? Isaiah reminds you that God can do for you what he did for Moses. He "made a road in the depths of the sea so that the redeemed might cross over" (Isa. 51:10b)
Have you ever felt like a cowering prisoner? Have you ever felt like you would never be released? I love the words of Isaiah 51:14: "The cowering prisoners will soon be set free." Believe it and claim it! Obey and see that you can trust! ...God said that he is doing a new thing:
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (Isa. 43:18-19)
...Like a father cupping his rebellious child's face in his strong hands, He says, "Listen to me... Hear me... I, even I, am he who comforts you... I am the LORD your God" (Isa. 51:1, 7, 12, 15). Essentially, God is saying to us, "I am for you, Child! Not against you! When will you cease resisting me?"
"Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God. But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you set ablaze. This is what you shall recieve from my hand: You will lie down in torment." (Isa. 50:10-11)
No matter how long we've walked with God, we will still have days that seem dark. In those times God tells us to trust in his name and rely on who he is. Job 23:10 continues to be a blessing to me when I don't know what to do: "But he knows the way that I take." When you feel you've lost your way, take heart! He knows the way that you take. Stand still, cry out, and bid him to come to you! He'll lead you on from there, and miraculously, when once again you see the light, you'll be able to see the footprints you made in the dark. Never will he hold your hand more tightly that when he is leading your through the dark.
What is your biggest temptation when you don't feel that God is illuminating your way clearly? Isaiah 50:11 describes mine perfectly. I tend to want to light my own fire and walk by the illumination of my own torch. Yes, you and I will still veer periodically from the path, no matter how obediently we want to walk, because we're pilgrims with feet of clay. The beauty of God's light is this: it will always lead us right back to the path. No matter how long the detour has been, the return is only a shortcut away. "Save me, for I am yours" (Ps. 119:94).
-Beth Moore, Breaking Free

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." (Psalm 119:105)