Days 16 and 17

A song that makes me cry. Hmmm.... I know that Danny Boy used to make me cry. Not as much now, but it did. So here is the link to most post about that song: Musical Monday, Danny Boy

This song by Enya at times does make me cry as well.... even though it is in Gaelic. I have read the translation, which does make it more sad (but in a good way!), but I think the overall mood of the song, the tone and the music, really touched me and made me emotional even before I read the words.



Here are the lyrics and translation:

Smaointe...

A Thought...

(D'Aodh Agus Do Mháire Uí Dhúgain) Éist le mo chroí, Go brónach a choích' Tá mé caillte gan tú 's do bhean chéile. An grá mór i do shaoil Treoraí sé mé. Bígí liomsa i gcónaí Lá 's oích'. Curfá: Ag caoineadh ar an uaigneas mór Na deora, go brónach 'Na gcodladh ins an uaigh ghlas chiúin Faoi shuaimhneas, go domhain. Aoibhneas a bhí Ach d'imigh sin Sé lean tú Do fhear chéile. An grá mór i do shaoil Treoraí sé mé. Bígí liomsa i gcónaí Lá 's oích'. Curfá Smaointe, ar an lá 'Raibh sibh ar mo thaobh Ag inse scéil Ar an dóigh a bhí Is cuimhin liom an lá Gan ghá 's gan ghruaim Bígí liomsa i gcónaí Lá 's oích'.

(To my maternal grandparents, literally: "For Hugh and Mary Duggan") Listen to my heart, Forever sad I'm lost without you and your wife. The great love in your lives [1] Will guide me. Be (plural) with me always Day and night. Chorus: Weeping due to the great loneliness The tears, sorrowfully Asleep in the quiet green grave In a deep peace. There was blissfulness But that is gone You followed Your husband. The great love in your lives Will guide me. Be (plural) with me always Day and night. Chorus A thought, on the day You were (both) at my side Telling tales Of how things were. I remember the day Carefree and happy [2] Be (plural) with me always Day and night.

1. The meaning of this phrase in this context is "the love that was shown by the two of you".
2. Literally "without need and without gloom". 

I also think there are probably quite a few church songs that stir a lot of emotion within me, most of them being older hymns. Something about singing hymns sometimes just makes me feel so grounded... I feel like these are words that so many before me have found truth in.... Almost like the words and melodies echo the heart's cry of so many godly men and women, saints that now are rejoicing before their Father. In a way, they make me feel so close to my grandparents, my mom's mom and dad. I feel like they were such a pillar of faith in my own life and in the life of the church they were a part of. I feel like I'm back there, years ago, just a small child sitting on those pews next to my Memaw and Papaw. I can hear my grandmother singing "Tell Me the Story of Jesus." I can see my grandfather's old worn Bible.

This is one of those songs that brought me back to a firm foundation and a place of faith when everything in my life stopped making sense. This song spoke to my insecurity and my feelings of isolation and abandonment and loneliness during such a difficult time in my life:

1. How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
   Is laid for your faith in His excellent word!
   What more can He say than to you He hath said—
   To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?
2. “Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
   For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
   I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
   Upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand.
3. “When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
   The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;
   For I will be with thee thy trouble to bless,
   And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
4. “When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
   My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply;
   The flame shall not harm thee; I only design
   Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
5. “The soul that on Jesus doth lean for repose,
   I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;
   That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
   I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.”

My favorite website would probably have to be one of the many blogs that I read. I really like these:
donmilleris
stuffchristianslike

And as of recent, I found this one:
rabbitroom

I also like Etsy a lot.... when I have money to just go shopping with :)

From an artistic point of view, I really like this blog:
womenpaintingwomen

Would you dare to believe?

I'm not really sure how to formulate all that is going through my mind this evening, but I really feel that I need to share the faithfulness of God. There is a song that Matt Maher sings- well actually 2 songs for this post - bu the first, Alive Again. In a normal context, and when this song first came out, I really felt like God used it to speak to me in a powerful way about his relentless pursuit of me. To quote the second song by Matt Maher, Your Grace is Enough- God did and continues to "wrestle with [this] sinner's restless heart." But today, in a very profound and unmistakable way, God spoke to me. And I later heard these words in this song by Matt Maher,

You called and You shouted
Broke through my deafness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
You shattered my darkness
Washed away my blindness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again  

These words became and have become so literal for me right now. For the last few months, I have been trying desperately to figure out what God wants me to do and what I should do- as far as school, a career, etc. I have chosen "realistic" career paths, one after another, along with the appropriate school options. None of which ultimately worked for me, resulting in a recurring headache. All the while, this voice inside me kept saying, Jenna, why don't you just paint. That simple. Yet even considering this path and its lack of a steady job completely floods me with worry. I like plans, and that path is too spontaneous and unreliable. But I went with it anyway, because I felt one by one God began eliminating my other options. Yet for whatever reason, I still did not feel confident in my decision. I felt so silly and ridiculous anytime someone would ask me what I'm doing now.... "Well I'm.... painting. And I'm going to go back to school to paint. So I can graduate and.... paint."
I kept begging God to please, give me some confirmation that I was actually doing what he had asked. That I was actually doing what I am supposed to be doing. That I hadn't completely missed what he had said or overanalyzed or misunderstood.

Today I went to meet with my undergrad art professors to get some advice on applying for and pursuing my MFA. And WOW. I cannot believe the depth of confirmation that I felt in my heart from God. These people think like me, have the same motivation as me, know what it feels like to tell people that your career is art. They have the same hopes and dreams for themselves and their art. They understood me. And best of all, I feel so normal around them. Around people that I have so much in common with. Around people driven to create. Around other artists. And they have such confidence that this is what I should be doing and that I will succeed- Such a compliment coming from artists like them. And I know, now more than ever, God brought me back to Memphis at just the right time, and he placed me in just the right school to finish my undergrad. Being in this art department was such a blessing to me and my art, especially when my love for and confidence in my art had been so wounded. Being around these people is such a God-thing. And today just capped it all off. I felt and feel God's calling so strongly. It was like God was saying, "Ok, if you didn't catch what I was saying before, let me make it undeniably clear. Now go. Do this." I am just so amazed at how he answered my prayer for guidance. I have no idea how I am going to get to where I am going, but I know he will see me through and see me to the end.
Honestly, left up to me, I would never have planned such a thing for myself. I still have a really hard time even considering myself a true "artist." But this God? An MFA? Wow. Great is your faithfulness, Oh God.