A picture of the cast from my favorite show

Yes indeed.

Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

Yep, I believe the title sums it up. I am now making cookies to semi-fix today...

The other day we had tornado/thunderstorms and some water from the rain came through one of the doors at the house that I am housesitting at. They have hard wood floors, but I thought, it's ok.. I'm cleaning it up and all will be well. Apparently it either rained again last night or some of the water from the other day soaked through, because today some of the wood has started to buckle/warp. Have I mentioned that while housesitting at another house, the toilet apparently kept running through the night and overflowed into the house, going through the wood floors in the entire living room? Do we notice that I am the common factor here? I think I need a really big cookie. And a latte. Anyone want to volunteer to bring me the latte part?

Random Ramblings

Just thought I'd take a few minutes to write down some thoughts going through my head.

First of all, I love being a part of a church family. I've been thinking a lot about this lately, especially since I just placed membership at Sycamore View (such a "grown up" feeling if I do say so....), a church here in the Memphis area. I've been visiting there for almost 2 years now because I felt so disconnected with the church that I grew up attending. This new family has shown me what the church in its truest purpose is, what the mission of Jesus is and what a family of believers looks like. They aren't interested in numbers, they are interested in discipleship. I am so proud and happy to be a part of this family. Also really cool fact that I'm loving: for some reason, all sorts of creative minds seem to just flock to this church. I can just look around the room and start picking out artists of all types- painters, ceramic artists, art teachers, musicians in the Memphis Symphony Orchestra. I think it says something about a church family that an artist can not only feel welcome, but accepted and useful. Wow... think of it... using my gifts for God's glory, and not for a cliche-churchy type project. No, me being.... me.

Ok onto second rambling. I have decided that big groups of people are simply not for me. I mean, I guess I always knew this, but if you really want to get to know me or if you really want to experience the real Jenna, do not hang out around me in a larger group. Let's keep it to 4 or 5 tops. Otherwise, I'm going to be extremely introverted quiet and do the disappear into the background thing. I need small numbers to be able to express who I am and give voice to my opinions, etc. All of you that know me were probably already aware of this fact. I'm just finding it to be true more and more.

Next. I really really really want to take a trip to Europe. Specifically, Ireland and the UK. I think I am really going to start seriously planning such a trip next summer. I have no idea how I am going to go about this. I'm somewhat afraid of going by myself, but I'm not sure of anyone that I could drag along other than my sister that would want to go to these specific places with me. But this is something that I really just have to do.

And finally. I am awaiting answers to my grad school applications. This is producing patience. I honestly have no idea where I am going to be in 6 or 7 months. I'm really having to trust God here.

Dawn

One of the best scenes... makes me come back to this movie time and time again.

A picture of me and the person I have been closest with the longest

So I think I typically use my sister for this one when I've done this challenge thing before, so this time I shall change things up a little... Technically I've been with my brother the longest anyway :)

Mi Hermano

We were Ghostbusters here. This is what happens when you have an older brother. I do find that my pink snow boots were quite a nice touch. Yeah, we were cool.

A picture of me with ten facts

1. I have watched Pride and Prejudice three times in the last week and am currently watching The Young Victoria.
2. I have an irrational but extremely real fear/phobia of sleeping in a house alone at night.
3. I have a little white fluffy dog that I love very much but as she does not offer a real sense of protection, I am currently considering adopting a second much larger dog of some sort to solve fact #2.
4. I am waiting to hear back from graduate schools about my application to their MFA programs
5. I have learned in the past month that I would rather be happy/sane/not completely stressed out than have money and a steady job.
6. I am working on a few painting compositions that involve mirrors, contemplating all kinds of symbolism in reflections.
7. My "things I want to paint one day" list includes items within my compositions such as a spider web, a masquerade mask, and a cage.
8. Somehow my " style" and the majority of my wardrobe includes articles of clothing that could arguably be considered pieces that look like they are from another era (victorian, regency, the flapper look, hippie, pioneer/frontier/laura ingalls wilder, etc)
9. I really want to have daughters one day and secretly collect/keep things that I want them to have (books, movies, music, artful things, american girl dolls... do not laugh at me...)
10. I have learned that it's ok to not know or be able to map out every detail of your future. God will handle tomorrow.

30 Day Photo Challenge

Another 30 day challenge? I think yes! Thanks Kristina! :)

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with ten facts
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show
Day 04 - A picture of something you want to do before you die
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most crazy things with
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate
Day 12 - A picture of something you love
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity
Day 19 - A picture and a letter
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change
Day 25 - A picture of your day
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

You'll never know love unless you surrender to it

I couldn't find a video for this scene but I really wanted to share it. This is from Fools Rush In. I actually just saw this movie for the first time tonight, I don't know why I've never watched it before. This scene between Isabel and her great grandmother very much spoke to me:

"-Nanita it was the right thing to do.


-It is not your faith that has betrayed you. It is your fear.


-I got lost... That's all. But now I make my own decisions.


-How selfish you are. To presume you know better than love.


-Nanita. He never would have left if he knew I was still pregnant. He wanted to go. I let him off the hook.


-No. You let yourself off the hook. You denied your heart and lied to the man you love. Why?


-...Because I had to. If I didn't leave him, he would have left me. I really don't think I could have handled that.


-Isa, You will never know love unless you surrender to it."

John Rzeznik, you've done it again

Some of the lyrics to this song... they just really hit me. Hard.

"Let Love In"

You wait, wanting this world
To let you in
And you stand there
A frozen light
In dark and empty streets
You smile hiding behind
A God-given face
But I know you're so much more
Everything they ignore
Is all that I need to see

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in
 
I wish
Wishing for you to find your way
And I'll hold on for all you need
That's all we need to say
I'll take my chances while
You take your time with
This game you play
But I can't control your soul
You need to let me know
You leaving or you gonna stay

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in

There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to do without
The only way to feel again
Is let love in

There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to live without
The only way to see again
Is let love in

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in

Ahh the Fifties!

I don't normally do swimming or bathing suits or the beach or any such thing (Irish fair skin = major sun burn)... I prefer the cool and cold weather months myself. BUT, for this swimsuit, I do believe I could make an exception. I would actually adore wearing this! It is gorgeous! Hmmm... maybe I can think of something summery that I could attend or do or go to just for this....

Aghhh, modcloth! I have GOT to stop going to your site....

From a friend

Found this on a friend's blog and stole it:

With thoughtlessness and impatient hands,
We tangle up the plans the Lord hath wrought.
And when we cry in pain, He says,
"Be quiet, My child, while I untie the knot."

Victorian Beauty

I now own this. Be jealous. Be very jealous. ;) Isn't it so romantically victorian lovely?

Where the Literary and the Visual Collide

Arghh! I am having a serious 90's flashback problem.... Something just really struck a chord with me last week when I listened to Slide by the Goo Goo Dolls. I have NO idea what happened, but apparently it was quite epic. And I do apologize to you if you are still somehow managing to read my blog even with all of these references to this band. Truly, I have no idea why this is occurring.... it's like some strange addiction, and I can't stop listening to them. What's worse is that I watch the videos to the songs on youtube and am strangely intrigued. Then, out of more curiosity, I go and research some of the meanings of the songs. For example, I was very curious about Black Balloon. It is just stuffed full of imagery and metaphor, and I had to know the story behind the song. I had a feeling it had something to do with drugs or another kind of addiction... apparently a lover's (or one of the guy's wives) had a heroin addiction and overdosed. Or supposedly, to quote wikipedia quoting Rzeznik, the song talks about "seeing someone you love that is so great just screw up so bad." And this is so bad, but the heroin overdose/seeing a loved one screw up take on the meaning only makes this song and its imagery more intriguing to me. Is that weird?? Yeah, probably. I feel like I did in my Modern Art in America class that I took as an undergrad. We talked A LOT about the 60's and about Andy Warhol and Edie Sedgwick and the drug scene. All about the influences on art from lifetsyles and the newfound "freedom" of that time period. Don't get me wrong, I have no desire to be a part of that whatsoever. But as weird as it sounds, it's just oddly and disturbingly interesting to watch/hear/learn about these people and their lifestyles.... The sadness is intriguing? There's really no way to say that without sounding really off. Ok, how about this-- something about how this era and these lifestyles influenced art is incredibly intriguing. I am the first one to tell you that I greatly dislike modern art. I think it is incredibly just screwed up in it's aim and method. BUT, for some reason, the connection and expression that people are able to find through artwork (and all that goes with it, i.e. symbolism, metaphor, imagery) is incredibly interesting to me. How someone can come up with a certain metaphor or analogy or symbol is just the coolest thing to me. I think that might be because I'm not as good at making up such things, rather I love to put a visual spin on it- let you the viewer see what my mind sees when I hear or read such a metaphor. So, to bring us back to Black Balloon (wow, we just danced all around modern art didn't we? something about drugs is most likely the cause... haha)-- phrases like the following are way cool to me, especially in light of their meaning and then the visual choices from the music video, crazy cool. Think about each separately as its own thought within its symbols and meanings and as a metaphor and such. So intriguing.

Baby's black balloon makes her fly
 
I almost fell into that hole in your life

You were the same as me, But on your knees

I saw the world spin beneath you
 
And scatter like ice from the spoon
That was your womb

That swallowed the light from the sun
Inside your room

And I go on as you get colder

Are you someone's prayer

And I'll go and lead you home and
And I'll become
What you became to me

The Sweetest Sadness in Your Eyes

While this does not go along with the theme for my Monday Music choices that I decided on last week, I listened to this song (and this artist for that matter) for the first time today. This choice was too good to pass on and there is a sweet sadness in this song that really fits where I am right now... Maybe not exactly over what she describes but the loss and the change and the unknown and the empty haunted sighs are still there.

All my fears have pushed you out

Isn't it ironic, or perhaps really cool, how God will use whatever it takes to reach us. Some lyrics from a song I was listening to (in my crazy goo goo dolls daze earlier today):

Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I killed myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out

And I wished for things that I don’t need
(all I wanted)
And what I chased won’t set me free
(all I wanted)
And I get scared but I’m not crawlin’ on my knees

Oh, yeah
Everything’s all wrong, yeah
Everything’s all wrong, yeah
Where the hell did I think I was? 


And stranger than your sympathy
Take these things, so I don’t feel
I’m killing myself from the inside out
And now my head’s been filled with doubt


We’re taught to lead the life you choose
(all I wanted)
You know your love’s run out on you
(all I wanted)
And you can’t see when all your dreams aren’t coming true
(Sympathy, Goo Goo Dolls from Gutterflower (Enh'd))


I couldn't see that I was sabotaging myself. My fears of rejection and hurt became lord over my life. And I pushed everything that resembled what I truly wanted out. I try so hard not to fail. I try so hard to get everything exactly right, because I thought that was the best way to avoid pain. But in my search for perfection, I messed up anyway... or even more so. I think God just wants us to live. To obey his commands and to surrender to his will, yes, but to also live. He promises he will direct our steps. Why am I trying so hard to convince myself that what I want must be not at all what God wants, simply because it's of me? Why can't it be that my desires become his desires when I seek to be in the center of his will? And even though I know all of this, especially that my fears have been ruling over me, how can I still doubt? It's like as soon as I move forward, satan throws whatever he can at me to try and halt my progress. I want to want God more than anything... but I feel that satan may try to be using this against me. Unless I know that this is what God wants from me, I feel  forbidden to want it. But didn't I just get through figuring out that He directs my steps if my heart is willing? God, may I know you more... may I know and draw close to your heart.

I saw the world spin beneath you

I'm not sure why the sudden obsession with the Goo Goo Dolls... It's like listening to one song that I hadn't heard in forever caused a domino effect of a need to listen to every song by them, only furthering my appreciation for this music (and for the beauty that is John Rzeznik ♥) Love, love, love this one...

My Saturday Morning

consisted of the following:

I enjoy my life :)

Red

I think I'm going to like this....

Little Pieces of the Nothing That Fall

I'm not so sure when this became a music blog (haha, I feel like my friend Monika!), but I do like getting to "re-enjoy" certain music that I was afraid to officially "like" when it was new or semi-popular. People that liked said music were "those people." Haha.

But I totally love the Goo Goo Dolls ♥... always did :) Yesterday, Monika and I definitely rocked out to a fantastic collection of varying music while doing some cooking, and a series of songs by the Goo Goo Dolls, including this selection, was included.

Kinda makes you all giggly-girl and swoon-like, yes?

What's a Girl to Do?

I really really dislike writing blog posts or posting anything at all anywhere on this subject matter. I hate broadcasting this portion of my life to the world. I'm starting to type this post and I'm not sure I will even post it. I might just keep it among the drafts, but I need to work through what I am feeling and currently, there seems no better way. My friend has been giving me some advice in a situation where I feel unsure about what God is telling me or asking me to do. It seems the only answer that I get from God is, "you're not listening to me" or "I already told you, and still, you're not listening to me." My friend tells me that in this situation, I should embrace what I am feeling- a feeling of very much being uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in not knowing what is going to happen, uncomfortable in fearing the worst, uncomfortable in accepting that my fears could actually be true. Just embrace what that feels like for a bit, and I will begin to see that my over analyzing thoughts are just that- irrational and overthought. And I do begin to see the irrationality of my thinking, but I guess I am so frustrated because this has slowly evolved into a situation that I can literally do nothing about. I hate relinquishing control. But really, I think I'm just coming to realize that I never had it. Not here anyway. And I search and search for something that I can control until I have warped and manipulated the only thing I could: myself. Why is it so hard to just be myself? Just be? I always think that I'm being me, but I look back and I never am. If I feel like I should try to be someone's friend, I will make myself outgoing or try to impress them. I can't just be me. I feel like "me" won't get noticed because I am too quiet, and I fade into the background. Noone wants a part of that. This is especially awful when the person you were trying to befriend and "impress" turns out to have so much in common with the real you. Now how do you redeem that situation??

But I have noticed a theme here. It's always about me. Never about the other person or others. So I find myself so worried and analyzing and focused on me that I can't actually relax and be me and let God handle the rest. I want to show God I have faith, I don't want to disappoint him. Faith without deeds is dead afterall, and I refuse to be a part of that. I also refuse to live my life "waiting" and then look back and question God, asking why did things turn out this way, only to have him reply because you didn't do anything to make it otherwise. Waiting is too "easy." You didn't do your part. You didn't act.

So I ask, what's a girl to do? I want so badly to just be myself and leave the rest to God. I want so badly to believe my fears are irrational. And I want so badly to believe that God will handle what I can't, that he will take over, that he will cover my messes and my misses and my lack of trying and lack of action. Simply, my lack of not at all knowing what to do.

God, I am trying to hear what I am apparently still not hearing. I am trying to listen. What should I do? And can you help me to just be me?

Oh, Psychology

My friend and I were recently discussing why it is that we react to situations so differently... Mainly because she is extroverted and I am introverted. This has inspired a list of commonly misunderstood happenings in the life of an introverted person.

Ways You Can Help Your Favorite Introvert:

1. (Hopefully this will be the only rant-like sounding point, and hopefully it won't be that rant-like at all... I don't enjoy yelling at people...) Understand that Introversion and Shyness are not the same. Whilst one might often accompany the other, introversion vs. extroversion is really about how your brain takes in information about the world and where you obtain energy. Example: extroverts are energized by being in loud environments with lots of people. Introverts are energized from being by themselves. The opposites for each, drain them of energy. Someone that is introverted may love to be around people but this sucks the energy from them and the just need a moment to themselves to regroup. It all involves the path through the brain that information takes. To oversimplify, the pathway is longer/hits more emotion centers/etc in an introverted brain. The pathway is pretty direct through an extroverted brain (hence why they need more to stimulate their brains, i.e. noise, people, crazy feats, etc) The introverted brain has enough stimulation pretty much already.
Ok, I'm done with the psychology portion of this post, hope you aren't too bored with the random outpouring of information :) Can you tell I really like personality psychology?

2. We dislike mixers. They are stupid. Please refrain from ever doing them in a small group setting. Lol. And by mixers, I am referring to that question that someone asks at the beginning of a group meeting together to get people talking or get things going and then the group goes around the circle or room, and everyone has to give their answer. We are being forced to come up not only with an answer, but one that impresses. No, just don't do this. This will ease our apprehension that already exists in trying to figure out what all is going on while taking in mountains of information that wears us out. The reason we dislike mixers is number 3.

3. We cannot think of anything to say until like an hour after the fact. Yes, quite true. I think it really has to do with our brain being in overload and processing all of the people, what they are saying, how do I appear, what is the dynamic of this group, etc, and on and on and on. There is simply too much going on in my head and I cannot think of anything to say.

4. We are not snobby. Again, I cannot think of anything to say. It's not that I don't want to say anything, I really really want to! Please don't take my silence as me thinking I am better than you. Furthermore, if I can think of something to say, I am not quite convinced that it will actually add anything to the group. In fact, I may have a great idea. I may be an expert on the subject. But I probably won't say anything. A) because as soon as I open my mouth to say anything, it definitely does not sound right. B) because I would just prefer that we all write everything down instead. Can we make that happen? I write 10x better anyway... Yes? Possibly? Ok, well it was a suggestion...

5. Read this book: The Introvert Advantage. It explains things way better than I can. And even if you are not an introvert, you will go, AHA! I understand "so and so" now! That makes perfect sense!

Cheers!

Are You or Not?

Had to post this video... I was just introduced to this group and this song- wow, punk-ish country?? Really? That is AWESOME. And furthermore, regarding the content of the song, I'm pretty sure that that's just the way it's gotta be. Sometimes, it seems, the girl has just gotta step up and get things rolling. Yes? Maybe? Ok, well it sure feels that way :) I'm not advocating that a woman pursue, but seriously gentlemen, do something. Haha. I don't normally write posts on this subject matter, but this song was just too good. Regardless of your opinion, enjoy!

Guilty Pleasures

Musically speaking of course. I can't seem to get away from certain music that I love but normally would never admit in public to listening to. I'm sure we all have those... :) But lately, Monika has been encouraging the non-conforming musical side of me to come out of hiding... So the next few music posts that I do are going to be those guilty pleasures and oh-so-embarrassing picks. But you know, I think we really start getting to know each other once we dig deep enough to see stuff like this. I have two for today. Completely different genres. The first is pretty much one of those that you should be ashamed to tell people, haha. Harkens back to my jr. high days I believe... The second is actually a popular song right now, at least I think. I don't normally listen to the popular radio stations or check out what the "in" bands and music are right now, so I feel somewhat silly that I actually like a song that is well-liked right now. But I just love love love this song. Like I think it's a modern day swoon song... pretty much any guy could get me just with this song. And both of these choices are just too good to pass up... I won' tell if you won't ;)