As odd as I know this is about to sound, I think last night, God scolded me. Or maybe that doesn't sound odd at all. When God asked Israel to do something or when God asked one of his prophets to do something, and neither did it, God didn't just say well that's ok...maybe we'll find something else for you to do. Or, maybe next time we'll get it right. No, I'm pretty sure Jonah didn't have that luxury. Neither did Gideon, despite God having to reassure him with the fleece. And no matter how many excuses he had, neither did Moses.
God told me to do something. He told me the direction I should go. I stalled, doubted, got stressed, worried, became sick, and then just ignored God. But I am here to tell you, that probably won't work. Actually, I'm pretty sure that the scolding I just received is evidence enough that I am going to have to start doing what God asked.
I think the reason I have been so "dissatisfied" or "frustrated" with what I've been doing have been small words from God. I feel like he was gently trying to remind me that I still hadn't obeyed. Yet for whatever reason, I took my frustration to mean I should look for something else or try harder. Yesterday this all came to a screeching halt when I got so overwhelmed to the point of being plain angry. I don't normally get so worked up, and I don't get angry/annoyed this easily.... I knew we had a problem when I started biting at people I love. I never do that. Something in me just got so angry at where I am and what I have been doing. And then when I realized how I was acting, and that I was acting this way out of pure panic, I think God cleared the fog.
"....Ummm... hello Jenna? Really? You think everything is going to be A-OK when you disobey? Absolutely not! What have you been doing?? This is NOT what I asked you to do. You know what you were supposed to be doing. Why did you doubt me? Why do you still doubt me? Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. And I'm going to need to you to stop this other mess immediately..."
In other words, this is your final warning before I bring on a very large fish.... Catching on yet?
And here I thought that putting things off wasn't technically disobeying.... How very wrong I was.